The Power of Forgiveness

By Noha Everetts, MA.Ed, LPCC

Forgiveness

  • What is forgiveness?: “It involves releasing regret, sadness, hurt, fear, blame, guilt, and resentment. It starts by a willingness to let go of the past, refusing to be helpless or a victim, and in turn claiming your power.” –Louise Hay

  • Forgiveness can help us with survival in the long run.

  • Research has shown that not forgiving can lead to stress, depression, substance abuse, and cardiovascular health issues.

  • Forgiveness is not something we do for others. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on.

  • Food for thought: Holding on to anger and resentments is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. Resentment is past focused leaving us stuck in the past.

  • Forgiveness paves the path to healing, helps us let go of pain, and is an empowering choice… we choose forgiveness. It can relieve us of a burden.

  • Forgiveness is a present-centered act allowing us to be in the present and less rooted in the painful path.

  • Forgiveness takes time and is a process. We must be careful not to ask for or forgive prematurely as it may be incomplete, without relief, and cause people to circle back to the past. Thus, it is important to recognize the process cannot be forced.

  • Barriers to forgiveness:

    • Attachment to the identity of being wronged or a victim.

    • Not working to take responsibility for anything we may have done to contribute to the situation.

    • Feeling the right to be angry and holding on to it for too long.

    • Not believing the other is truly sorry.

    • Intense emotions of anger, resentment, and grief to give us a feeling of power or righteousness.

    • Thinking you are doing it for the other person.

    • Believing if you forgive, then it is forgotten (this is not supported by research) and that it cannot be brought up again.

  • Forgiveness does not mean that you accept what they did as being okay.

  • The process of forgiveness starts with self. We need to allow ourselves to be human without the shame of holding on to guilt.

  • Guilt is generally only useful for 10 minutes. It can help us to learn to respond in different ways. However, hanging onto guilt can turn into shame and become toxic. Forgiving the self can free one up from guilt.

  • The process of forgiveness involves acceptance. Accepting the truth of the act, its painful impact, or the “injustice”. However, acceptance does not mean you condone the action. It involves letting any denial or other defenses go.

  • Ask yourself if there are any gains to hanging on or is it hurting me to hang on.

  • Ways to forgive include:

    • Imagining what it would be like to forgive.

    • Frame it as your informed and empowered choice.

    • Remind yourself that forgiveness is for your benefit, for your own happiness, and that you deserve this freedom.

Nicki Masters