Helping a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

The topic of abusive relationships seen from a friend’s perspective can feel like a lose-lose situation all around. If you don’t step in and do something for your friend, they are going to be stuck in a toxic relationship. If you do step in, you fear they will not leave and end up resenting you. So when is the right time to take action?

 

Where to Start

It can seem hard to approach this situation but don’t be afraid to express your worry to your friend. Be considerate that they are attached to the person they are with, so try not to sit there and just bash their partner, otherwise, they might not listen. However, do be firm in your beliefs that they are in fact in an abusive relationship. Be sympathetic and don’t make them feel bad and like it is their fault, you shouldn’t be scolding or lecturing them on their choices. The important thing is to be patient. Chances are, your friend will not leave their abuser the first, second, or even the third time they say they are going to. It is a vicious cycle and it can take time to break it. Continue to be supportive and be there when they need it. Keep reassuring them that it is not normal and it is not their fault. When they finally express a wish to be out of the relationship, help them make a safe plan.

 

They may feel embarrassed and not want to reach out to anyone, so if you notice any of the following signs of abuse, it is time to start taking action:

  • Unexplained/inconsistent injuries

  • Loss of hair in clumps

  • Frequent injuries

  • Low self-esteem

  • Fear of outside intervention

  • Limited access to money

  • Verbal abuse and/or humiliation in front of others

  • Isolation from friends or family

  • Damage of property

  • Self-harm

  • Silence when a particular person comes in the room

  • Loss of personality

  • Overall dullness

 

When They Breakup 

The final breakup is only half the battle. Your friend will likely have a lot of emotional damage from the toxic relationship they were in. Encourage them to see a counselor. If they go or not depends on them, but either way you need to continue your support for them. Reassure them they made the right choice and promote moving forward with their life. Tell them that breakups are never easy, so they should not expect to feel fine right after, especially in this situation, and that it is normal to be sad and miss the person they were with. Make it clear that although they are upset, they still should not ever go back to the relationship they were in before.

Remember that an abuser can be male OR female.

Nicki Masters