Dear Socially Anxious
I want you to know that I get it – the constant internal battles, the gnawing tension in the pit of your stomach, the constant “what ifs,” the broken record of tiny mistakes replaying over and over in your mind. So many things can go wrong if you open your mouth. You might screw up a word or someone might misunderstand you. You might hurt someone’s feelings. You might totally embarrass yourself. It is paralyzing. If you even think about raising your hand in class or speaking up in a meeting, your heart pounds out of your chest. Meeting new people – just no. It’s easier to shrink into the background, to keep your thoughts to yourself, to stick to what you know rather than trying anything new.
Here’s the truth…it’s not just you. You are not alone in this. There are many of us who understand what it feels like – the pressure of being constantly judged. It took me a long time to realize this for myself and I want it to be easier for you. When I was finally able to give anxiety a name and understand what it was, I was able to consider that life could be different for me. Here are some things that I learned:
Anxiety = Good Guy
To put it bluntly, anxiety and fear (which are nearly the same thing – ask me later) keep us alive. Their main job is to keep us from doing reckless things and dying off as a species. Anxiety is also our main source of motivation – we would not get anything done if we did not worry or care about it. If you are seeing anxiety as the bad guy, it has probably become stronger and louder than is necessary. It is possible to get control of it and put it back in its place (yes, this is easier said than done).
Avoidance = Bad Guy
Anxiety feeds on avoidance. Our instincts tell us to avoid the scary thing, and we do. Each time we avoid it, we are teaching our brains that we were right to avoid it because it is a dangerous thing. This system works well when the “thing” is truly dangerous like if we run into a grizzly bear on a hike. This is a problem if we are avoiding safe and important tasks like talking on the phone or giving a presentation. If you pay close attention, you will realize that you often try to avoid the feeling of anxiety itself. In other words, we are anxious about being anxious. This can make anxiety double up on itself and feel so much worse.
Perception = Everything
How we understand or interpret what is going on around us (or in our own minds and bodies) has a direct impact on our emotions, actions, choices, etc. Changing the way you view anxiety itself will help you gain a better sense of control over the problems and stress it has caused you. The goal is to develop the ability to tolerate the feeling rather than giving in to the impulse to avoid feeling it. We also must adjust the way we perceive ourselves and the world around us. For a long time, you have been more critical of yourself than anyone else has been and probably believe that people are against you. Stop beating yourself up. You are allowed to make mistakes and deserve compassion for being human. There are critics out there, but most people are generally kind and thoughtful.
Start small. Be willing to challenge yourself. You are stronger than you think. I am here to support you if you need it.